Election 2008, Part I

[Warning: This message may contain some negativity. I typed this in a moment of sadness and disappointment. I don’t wish to disparage any candidates, really, and this comment applies across the board. I also realize I jeopardize my standing as a Christian for not mentioning either Jim Wallis, Brian McClaren, Pat Robertson, or Jim Dobson--somebody is bound to feel jilted.]


It looks like the election is shaping up to be quite a downer. There’s a strong possibility we will end up with the worst possible candidates from each party. Just another disappointment in a string of events that makes me lose all hope for the greatness of this country. Can you hear the national anthem in the background . . . waning? I guess what bothers me is that the people who are passionate about making a difference--on either end of the political spectrum--don’t stand a chance. Voters view them with suspicion, so we normally end up with the “safe” candidate, who will ensure the status quo, or worse, continue to drive this train into the ground.

Listening to these candidates spew out their rhetoric is almost comical, if it weren’t really happening. They can literally talk for hours and say absolutely nothing substantive. It’s quite a skill. There’s no use in complaining, really. One can be active about making choices or passively complain that whatever has fallen into one’s lap is their fate.

So, I thought I could get on the ticket in a few years by following the cues of masters of this art. I’m trying to boil this down into a couple of easy steps, what I like to call, “How to garner votes among the masses.” So, without further adieu, my list:

1. Choose a vague platform attached to an intangible notion; for example, "change." If you choose a clever enough word, other candidates will latch on and claim they are the true [intangible notion] candidate.
2. Promise to "fix" all the key issues of the day; for example, "We're going to fix healthcare, global warming, racism, employment, and end this war in Iraq!"
3. Make no provisions on how you would fix any one of these issues which have been broken for years.
4. Don't tell anybody that by "fixing," you mean throwing a bunch of money at the problem.
5. Don't tell anybody the source of that unlimited font of cash.
6. Don't mention any issues that the other party finds key in implementing as ways of fixing your key issues, such as securing the border, stopping illegal immigration, reducing our reliance on foreign oil, reducing the tax burden, protecting the unborn, increasing the strength of the American military, establishing fair export laws, keeping jobs in the U.S., and much more. How can each party ignore every issue the other party is talking about? Why is Hillary a racist and Obama is sexist? Have these issues even been mentioned on the other side?
7. Draft Hollywood into the service of your campaign. Americans will believe anything a celebrity tells them, because they so pitifully stupid they can't recognized that a multi-millionaire Hollywood elite has about as much in common with the average voter as a life-long Washington politician. Both experience a drastically different world than the average voter.
8. At all costs, avoid your own voting record. Never talk about what you have done, but what you will do, even if it’s 180 degrees from what you’ve done in the past. Accuse your opponents of “negative attacks” when they remind voters of your actions.
9. Pander like you mean it. Promise healthcare to seniors, schooling to the young, more money to the middle class, subsidies to big business, welfare to the unemployed, continued funding to the U.N., deregulation to industry, increased protection to government workers, jobs for all citizens and citizens of other countries, funding to harvest embryos for their stem cells, utopia to environmentalists, family values to evangelicals. Nobody would think of putting two and two together . . .
11. Never mention that a strong national identity and defense makes any of this possible.
12. How many ways can you slice a dollar? Apparently, there’s enough to go around, without cutting programs or raising taxes . . .

But alas, it’s too late for 2008. I’ll go and pinch my nostrils closed as I cast my vote in November, voting, once again, for the better of two mediocre choices.

This comes from somebody who tells everybody else to stop blaming the President for their problems. I’m caught up in this and I realize that I want my candidate to win, and if not, I’ll blame all my problems on the next president. Ugh.

\\\\\\

*One candidate said he would fix global warming. I guess he can fix the weather, solar flares, and finally put an end to the cola wars.